InnerBliss: The Denial of Desire, Part I

The exuberance of a new kitten in the house.

Listening to: Her song.

Bliss: The sound of her voice. The wild playing. The deep, sudden sleeps. The silky feel of her fur. Her energy. Everything about her.

After losing two elder cats within 9 months of each other, and thus diminishing our cat household from five to three, there were times when I swore "no more cats." Time to look forward to the "empty nest" that comes with human children -- and with it the possibility of worry-free (ish) travel, cleaner houses, lower food budgets.

I also believe strongly that Jobie and Ernie are still and will always be with us, and it is up to us to work on the relationships with our Sparkle Cats with just as much loyalty and devotion as the relationships with our Fur Cats.

That, of course, assumes that there is only so much love to give. That love is contained in some certain-sized container, and it is getting low -- like Pooh's honey pot but with love, goes the assumption, there is no bee hive from which we can just get more.

What!?

But this is something I do to myself in all areas of my life and I don't think I'm alone (more tomorrow). I decide that I have had "enough," that I have been so "blessed" that to ask for more is like a slap in the face to the gift giver.

Maybe so, if you were at your birthday party, and after opening all your presents, you looked at each person and said "More, please?" A spanking line would not begin to cover it.

But with this other gift giver -- the gift giver of blessings and love -- the gift giver that is the Universe or Divinity or whatever, there is no limit and to not ask for more is totally an insult. This gift giver exists purely out of the need to create. Do we really want to say "no, thank you, I've had enough" to creation?!

Gradually, as we entered the summer months, my sadness did not seem to be going away, but I started to get this feeling that to not have another cat would only make that sadness stay...maybe even grow.

And not specifically to seek out a black and white cat, the kind of cat suit that Jobie wore during his time here, seemed an insult to him, to our best-friendship. Jobie was my boy, my baby, my first experience of unconditional love, and he is still with me, yes, in spirit, in sparkle, but with his unconditional love comes his understanding that I still need a little black and white body to hold.

So without looking for her, she came...or was sent by someone who is better at seeing the bigger picture than me.

We had a friend's car for the weekend, and as usual, the one errand we can't do on the bus or on our bikes had to be done: we went to get big bags of litter, lots of them.

We walked into Petsmart, and there was Because You Care, a local, no-kill animal fostering organization. I strained my neck to look far to the right, while also pretending to walk by without noticing, but I knew it would be there.

I turned to my partner and said, "oh, God." And walked away, crying before I could contain it. And she said to me, "You need that kitten. Let's go get that kitten."

We walked over, and without hesitation, I picked her up and loved her.

Because my heart is bigger than a honey pot and I am not here to shrink it.