Holiday writing group yummies.Listening to: A great big band arrangement of this. (Bring on the brass! says Blisschick!)
Bliss: The snow globe I am sitting inside. When you don't own a car and don't have to drive in this, it turns into something completely enjoyable!
Today I am asking for your help.
You see, it seems I have misplaced my bliss. I'm optimistic, of course, because I get the feeling that this is like that joke where someone is looking for their glasses and they are perched on the person's head.
But still...they don't realize that their glasses are right there, do they?
Last year, at this time, we were taking care of Jobie the cat and just feeling very lucky that it seemed he would be making it to Christmas, which he did. Then we were feeling lucky that he would make it to the year 2008, and he did. Then he crashed. He rebounded. And late in January, he passed from his fur to his sparkle suit.
I've told you this many times. But it feels pretty fresh right now as we approach the one year mark.
If I didn't have that new crazy, joyful, bouncing kitten, my funk would definitely be deeper.
But there is more going on than missing my cat.
The other day, on this advent site, the post asked a simple question: What star are you following?
It hit me right between the eyes, that question did. I didn't have an answer! What?
So now I am walking around feeling a bit lost....
I know that part of this is the need for some serious rejuvenation and that is where asking for help comes in.
Do any of you have favorite ways to "refill your wells?" I am not talking about a little bit of rest, here. No, I need something more than that, and I am not sure what. So on top of feeling a bit in the funk, I also am frustrated.
I think about going on a retreat but hate to leave my family and hate to travel, especially in this weather.
I think about going back to school and am very interested in some online graduate programs, but I fear this is just a cover for something else. That going back to school is just a way to feel busy and "on purpose."
Okay, you get the idea...HELP!
19 comments:
I know your feeling! The emptiness. That why I started blogging...to fill the gap and share my knowledge. I also know that doing something creative really helps me...nothing like getting behind the camera. Take a few moments to settle into yourself...ask what your soul needs. I know you are probably doing this.
And sometimes, we just need to be in this strange place for awhile. You have been so busy with your writing groups, perhaps you need to step back for a day or two. It won't last forever. Enjoy not having a "purpose" or a goal for now and just go with the flow. I have been doing this for the past 6 months!!!
OK...not sure if that helped! What a ramble...
Pray for grace and divine light from the creator. Let love well up in your heart and be grateful for all the blessings in your life. We are truly blessed having our health, home, food and friends.
Find joy in everything you do and give the creator the credit. Life is short - live in the present and love. Go beyond the shortcomings of others and look for the spark in the creator in them. Kindness towards others is kindness towards ourselves. "A golden mind is a golden life..."
"As long as we are not bold enough to step out into the unknown and experience life to its fullest, we will feel bored. We will be caught up in the confusion of existence. Then existence will become a burden to us."
This quote is from a great book that has helped me called Ancient Secrets of Success for Today's World by Tulshi Sen.
I've gotten a lot from reading it, but to paraphrase one biggy:if bliss is missing it means you aren't dreaming big enough.
I don't know if this hits home, but if all your dreams are just going through the motions of doing what you know you can do, then you won't really feel excited about life.
Rather, we all need to find "An Impossible Dream" (I'm sure they have that song on YouTube - and Man of La Mancha is worth watching too at times like this).
When you feel a little nervous about your dream, when it feels downright crazy, then you're on to something.
I ask myself - what is my dream right now - and notice all the ordinary dreams the mind tries to answer with. But it actually will take some time to hear the silent whisper of the soul's longing. It takes a deep, unrushed yet burning desire & contemplation to hear the Impossible Dream, your Quest.
That is what the book is about, it is a good tool to guide you there.
You can overcome this feeling - it is actually the cornerstone of your success.
Sending you big love Christine! I do so know the feeling. I went into such a dark place last year at this time (beautiful when you can embrace it though) that this year I told my family I would be taking a retreat. I am leaving today and coming back on Christmas Eve--headed for a borrowed cabin, which will be like that snow globe you allude to. For me, when I don't resist the need to rest, go within, be silent this time of year--like nature--it is so lovely! I am very grateful to everyone that has made this possible. Especially me for really claiming it!
I wish for you that you can touch back into your inner light and find, during this dark time, that, like the Sun, it's there, just not as visible.
Happy Solstice!
A poem too that got me all zingy when I found it yesterday:
"When your eyes are tired the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb tonight.
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see.
You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the confinement of your aloneness to learn
anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you."
-David Whyte
XO
Wow - lots of great thoughts in the comments so far. I'm not sure what I have to add right now. I'm going to ponder this. For now, I wanted to let you know I read and am thinking of you!
Dearest Christine,
I wish I could catch a ride on a snowflake and find my way to your doorstep to give you a huge hug.
Perhaps you are trying too hard to fix this problem yourself? What if you are not meant to do anything? You ask how other's fill their wells (a beautiful question, that), but what if you are not the one who is meant to fill your well this time?
You have the tools, you speak the language of bliss, you have the talent and the inspiration to offer that wisdom to others each day. It makes sense that you think it is up to you to fix you. (I am remembering a post of my own this past week - not to be disgustingly self referential! - about the idea of "physician, heal thyself." What if sometimes, that rule does not apply.
Why do we believe in the power of the Divine. Why do we say the prayers and address the saints if not because we know there are entities outside of our fragile little hearts and souls that can fill the wells for us?
I am not sure how long you have felt yourself sinking, but maybe try to allow it for just a little longer.
Surrender. Let be. Trust God. Trust that you do not have to bear this burden alone. Just trust. Just be.
And just know that you are loved and treasure for being the bodacious chick that you are, even if you cannot wear your bliss on your sleeve right now.
Blessings,
Marisa
Sleep.
Naps.
Warm baths.
Exercise - serious, intense, lung-burning, blow-the-stink-off exercise.
Getting out of my town - even if it's just 30-60 minutes away. A change of scenery - and a chance to be anonymous for a day or so - is a must!
Dance your booty off to Earth, Wind and Fire's greatest hits.
Get outside of yourself...or maybe further insider yourself.
All that being said, just TRUST the process. I've become very familiar with this life/death/life cycle lately. And...much like living where we do with the changing of the seasons, would bliss be nearly as sweet if we didn't have times when it wasn't accessible to us?
It's completely natural to feel the way you do this time of year. And let yourself grieve! Our culture wants us to get over things so quickly...just feel the feelings...knowing that you are loved and supported by an unlimited Universe.
But still, the Earth, Wind and Fire thing might do the trick - temporarily, at least :-)
Hugs,
Lisa
Well drat! I hate when I lose my comments. Just what did I say?
It is not somewhere out there where answers are to be found - I always remember Kabat-Zinn's "Wherever you go, there you are".
It helps to count your blessings - make a gratitude list(s).
Read something light - science fiction, classic mystery or children's book even. Escapism? Yes, but it works. These sort of get your mind into a different groove.
Clean - ok, so maybe I'm the only one who does this - but somehow concentrating on my environment helps - even a small change makes everything feel all new. I always recall an episode of Designing Women where Suzanne has been in a rut and moves to sit at the other end of the sofa and says - "It's a whole new world from here."
Write or talk to someone and pour it all out even if it doesn't appear to make sense or seems silly - not because the other person is going to have any great wisdom - but because sometimes we "hear" ourselves say something that we didn't know we knew till we "said" it.
And just maybe sit in the quiet and the dark, because perhaps something is incubating. As an artist sometimes it is when I'm not painting that can be the most creative. Every noticed when you're practicing yoga every day, that if you take a break of a day or two, that when you come back to yoga it feels like you've somehow moved to a new level? Kinda like that.
Many blessings from someone who's been there...
Christine,
It seems we've all been there. Many many good suggestions have been put forth. From personal experience last winter, I say to you...get on a plane, train, bus etc. seek out the sun and give Kansas a try! [lol. but seriously, Kansas has more days of sunshine than Florida!] My stay there last winter gave me a much more positive attitude. It is there that I began blogging and found this whole new world!
Feel better, whatever you choose to do!
You have lots of Love and positive feelings coming your way!
such beautiful thoughts on here and I guess those loving sparkles from the universe are exactly what you need : ) I also really agree with Caroline - just sit in your feelings and FEEL them.. and be happy that this too will pass. Promise!
I love yr post today.. and it was actually just this week I was looking for my sunnies which were - yes - on top of my head.
Big hugs xx
Well, I come here to you for answers! I have nothing to add, but I know:
1)you are getting some good advice both here from others, and from your partner, and from other wise women (and men) you have surrounded yourself with in life
2)you will figure it out in a way that is perfect for you
3)you will continue to craft a life of light and meaning
I do think fallow times and occasional confusion are part of the journey tho like others say. Part of my journey in life has been learning to sit in the darkness and the state of unknowing without running around in a tizzy trying to settle things before their time.
I can't wait to see where you go when the time turns and your way begins to be more illuminated again.
In times like you describe, I remind myself "this too shall pass." Usually when I'm busy focusing on other things - helping other people with their problems and issues; working with a human rights organisation, just distracting myself in general by not thinking about my own life - I discover that while I wasn't looking, things have "settled" and suddenly I can see the path ahead. It's a process and the well constantly needs filling. Wishing you peace on the path. xo
You all are so extraordinarily helpful. I will read and re-read all of this over the next many days, but immediately a LOT of it totally clicked.
I am a fixer (if you hadn't noticed -- ha!), and so, yes, my first inclination is to get to the business at hand and get it DONE!
Part of the reason for this is that after having fought pretty severe depression for much of my life, I have learned to be ever vigilant about anything that even resembles falling into old, dark (dark in a bad way) patterns.
But I am not that person anymore and that is part of the remembering I have to do. I am a healthy, happy, whole person now, who, like all normal humans, has these down times.
And it is no more and no less than that -- a down time meant for contemplation and a great deal of listening.
And yes, if I say that I believe in prayer and intervention and all of that, then I have to act on that by NOT acting...did that make sense?
I have to allow the mystery and the magic to work through me and in me.
Thank you, all.
I'm sorry Christine, that I'm a bit late with my well-wish for you, but better late than never! I'm honored to help someone who spends alot of time helping others...
I sounds like you have some amazing hearts reaching out to you with nuggets of word wisdom, so how about some reiki from Canada??
Let me know,
Lil xo
Hello Christine,
I stumbled on this post today and recalled your writings on Merton, as well as your writing on falling into a deep hole.
Thomas Merton quotes on depression are within the first page. I have no clue what is in the balance of the blog, but it seems aligned to your status now.
Check it out at leisure:
http://www.storiedmind.com/2008/07/26/oneness-depression-jill-bolte-taylor
Your friends know you well and offer advice in hands of love.
One of my friends once told me:
"When you find yourself in a deep, deep hole and don't know what to do, the first step is
'Stop Digging".
Psalm 46:10 pretty much agrees.
In another 24 hours, our days begin to grow stronger and longer in light each day, as the Earth shifts into a new direction.
You will too!
Ps. The Thomas Merton book you recommended was staring at my face recently while shopping.
"A Book of Hours" by Thomas Merton is now on my reading stand of books at home. Thanks for the tip!
and there's always: let bygones be your dance groves par-tay....
Luci, Yes, most definitely, there IS always that! :)
Danny, Wow. First, the psalm. Perfect. Cease striving...I am working (ha) on that. Really. Lots of meditation and prayer. And the Merton! The ways of the Divine are mind boggling...the quotes you pointed me to come from a book I JUST placed on hold at the library! (I also put the poetry of Hopkins and a book by Dorothy Day on hold.) Rather than medicate this away (which I've never done), I do choose now to see cycles like this as akin to the "dark night," so for relief and wisdom and help it seems right to turn to our enlightened mystics. Thank you.
Wow. You have an amazing community assembled around this site.
I'm a "fixer" too, so it's terribly hard for me when I can't find a solution.
My thoughts for you would be to do a ritual to light the way to the next phase of your work and then begin to explore. Remember that this time of year is when we put things to rest. The earth sleeps during winter to be ready for the spring. Our culture tends to ignore natural cycles, which can leave us feeling lost this time of year.
Also, when I get that way, I find it helpful to have someone to give me direction and hold me accountable. Maybe a spiritual coach would be a useful connection for you right now?
Last thought is from the "Notes from the Universe" that I receive each day. No really, they are these great daily emails.
"What can you now do that you'd like to do that you aren't doing?"
That's written on my wall at work.
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