OuterBliss: Sanely Simplified Season

Fresh snow transforms even city streets.

Listening to: One of my favorite versions of this song.

Bliss: The pure white of the landscape after a night of snow. The blue sky and sun.

My birthday, as you know, was a couple of weeks ago, and every year, from that date on, it feels to me as if the world is on some supersonic sled ride down a very slippery slope.

If the rest of the year is fast, this time of year becomes out-of-control faster-than-the-speed-of-light in terms of time. As if we are all suddenly sucked into a Star Trekian worm hole, from which we have no way to extract ourselves.

But that last bit is truly a story, isn't it?

First of all, we know every year that this time of year is coming; it is not like a worm hole, unmarked on our star maps.

And second, unlike that worm hole that would crush us and our intentions without proper protection, we are in control of how we approach this holiday-filled season.

If we choose the supersonic sled over the snowshoes, that is our own choice and the results are own fault. It is our fault if we are exhausted and feeling "overburdened." It is our fault if the holidays feel more like obligation than a time of stillness that leads to spiritual growth. We can blame family, retailers, the TV, but...it is our fault.

How do we get out of this mess we have created? How do we sanely simplify the season?

First, we need to assess what we are expecting from the holidays.

This is, as usual, the most difficult part of this process of change. This is about unpacking your bags. And when it comes to the holidays, most of us are lugging around a veritable steamer trunk of garbage. Very few of us come out of our childhoods unscathed, and the holidays can be our most picked-at and scarred-over wounds.

Think about the pressure on families during this time. There is an extra emphasis on perfection and happiness. There are the money strains. And, of course, there is the fact that extended families that barely see each other are suddenly thrown into (much of the time) artificial situations. (Why all the pressure on one day? What about the rest of the year, I wonder...)

So we grow into adulthood and we chase after some version or some prettier version of what we got when we were little. As a colleague said to me at the library, we are "suddenly three years old." All the old needs that weren't met come crawling and clawing out of us. These unmet needs had to do with love and affection in most cases or calm and peace in many, but rather than deal with these base issues, we shop. We buy. We shop some more, covering over all the hurt and anger and fear and sadness and frustration.

We put up bigger trees. We have more parties. We bake dozens upon dozens of cookies. We do all of this -- even when we don't want to. Then the bitterness builds.

How could we possibly ever see Christmas as anything but a burden when it has become a pack mule for all our past pain? We just keep piling on the expectations and then are surprised when the mule keels over and dies.

Second, then, having faced all our unrealistic expectations surrounding this season, we must, as the adults we are now, decide what we want the holidays to mean and what we want them to be.

Do you want to just celebrate the cultural version of Christmas? If so, that is fine, but be clear that that is what you are doing. When we lie to ourselves, tell stories, that is when we get in trouble.

Do you crave a Christmas with deeper spiritual meaning? Do you harbor bitterness toward the Christianity of your childhood and therefore, find this a rather difficult task? If so, do some research. That could be part of your season this year -- finding a Christianity that resonates with you.

Journaling every day during advent could be a great exercise to expel demons and invite in some angels.

Third, after discovering what you want and need from the holiday rather than what you expect, it is time to make your external life reflect your internal discernment.

Your actions should reflect your personal striving toward meaning ... in all parts of your life. This is the goal of a self-actualized person of integrity. (In some circles known as a samurai!)

My own journey toward a Christmas of more meaning has been a long and circuitous one, and we can't expect to ever really be done with this.

But for me this year, this has meant fully embracing Advent, so that Christmas is not just some miscellaneous day preceded by a lot of shopping. I am using an online advent calendar, for example. I am slowly decorating the house, so that it is building toward the holiday, rather than acting like a maniacal decorator from some house show on HGTV, trying to get it done in two hours flat.

My partner and I have also decided to cut back on the consumption part of the holiday; it's stressful and excessive when you already have so much. We have asked friends with whom we normally exchange gifts to not do so. We have told them that spending time with them, conversing, eating...the basic joys of life are more important to us. In most cases, they have responded to this very positively. Some have even sighed relief, saying they were thinking the same thing, but they didn't know how to ask. (Be aware, though, that not everyone will understand. As my partner continually reminds me, we are all on different parts of the path.)

Another important thing we started doing last year was spending Christmas eve with very good friends -- those "made and chosen" families.

(A memory from this summer: going to dinner at our dear friends' Ken and Debbie's house, and when we walked in, Ken turned to us and said, "You are my chosen family, which makes you even more special." I could have cried.)

That is plenty of "doing," during a season that is about "being." We are not going to do everything, go to every party, get to every single event.

Advent, after all, is about waiting for the light. Sitting in the quiet darkness. Contemplating our place in this world.